‘Disturbing Discoveries’ Commentary
When I wrote my story I was influenced by a story by Michael Rumaker called ‘The Teddy Bear.’ I have tried to include many devices Rumaker has used in his short story and hopefully to good effect to make my story just as good.
Devices that he has used in ‘The Teddy Bear’ include onomatopoeia, repetition, alliteration, imagery, metaphors and similes. All of these I have tried to include in my story ‘Disturbing Discoveries,’ and tried to make them as effective as they are in Rumaker’s published story. In ‘The Teddy Bear’ a simile is used (page 164, line 18) where he compares the nurse to himself saying she was ‘…like a bright, chirpy bird.’ I have used this comparison – type of simile in my story to create imagery by saying ‘…pierced his eardrums, like a needle pierces flesh’ (paragraph 2, line 3). I think the use of similes in this way is really good and an effective way of creating imagery, which is why I used it myself.
Repetition is something I tried to use quite subtly which is kind of what Rumaker does. There are a few examples of repetition I chose including ‘…around and around…’ (page 167, line 26) ‘…nearer and nearer…’ (page 159, line 14) and ‘…louder and louder…’ (page 160, line 35). I have taken this idea and in my story have used repetition for (paragraph 2, line 5) ‘…one by one…’ to create a sense of depth and time. By repeating the word ‘one’ I think it implies how far he has to go to try and get the noise to stop.
I have used onomatopoeia like Rumaker does to emphasize (negative) sounds, but in my case I am emphasizing positive sounds. This may be strange as I am describing how blood is running, however by using ‘…trickling and twinkling…’ it creates a sense of peace as they are quite tranquil words. I think this ‘peace’ creates the image of how still and peaceful the man (Tim) is. The opposite sense is created by using negative sounds like Rumaker has done. He uses ‘…moaning…,’ ‘…whining…’ and ‘…crying…’ (page 161, lines 29-33) which implies loudness, as the actions to do such things are very loud.
One metaphor that was used in ‘The Teddy Bear’ influenced my choice of words (paragraph 5, line 4) in particular. On page 16 (lines 6+7) he describes how old and sick the boy is by saying it was ‘…as if he were something unfeeling and dead, frozen in the midst of ice.’ This comparison of dead and cold is what made me decide to describe how pale the dead body was, saying ‘…as white as snow…’ I like this comparison, as dead bodies are cold through the lack of blood running through the body. As this is a common assumption, they can create a better sense of imagery for themselves. Also, the white comparison contrasts to the red of the blood really well. As white is associated with purity etc, and red is the colour of blood, it really exaggerates the state and condition of the body and emphasizes the dead man’s innocence.
I didn’t base my story around Doris Lessing’s ‘Through The Tunnel’ particularly as the type of imagery she creates is not what I wanted. Despite the devices I have used being the same perhaps, the way she uses them isn’t what I wanted in my story, where as the way Rumaker does was what I wanted to achieve. I think Lessing uses very soft and ‘pretty’ imagery in ‘Through The Tunnel’ (due to the way she describes things and uses these devices), but it would not be appropriate in my genre of story (that being of murder). Michael Rumaker however, has made his imagery a lot harsher and more realistic, for example where he shows the use of sibilance (page 161, line 12), he says ‘…smelling of stale sweat.’ In this circumstance, Doris Lessing would have probably put ‘smelling of mouldy flowers,’ or something to that effect. I also think that I can relate more with ‘The Teddy Bear’ where as I find it harder to do so with ‘Through The Tunnel’ as I just can’t picture it being real.
One final device I used (primarily) was alliteration, which I did this for many types of sounds including of ‘f,’ ‘m’ and ‘d.’ Examples of this are ‘…first floor…,’ ‘the doorway in disbelief and dismay’ and ‘monstrous and masculine male.’ I like the effect that this gives as it adds to the tension and emphasizes the words that I have chosen.
I have chosen a formal register for my story and hardly used any colloquialisms. I chose to do my story this way as the idea of ‘Disturbing Discoveries’ is for it to be a murder mystery type of plot. Any use of informality in my writing would ruin the ‘tense’ effect that I was trying to achieve in my story (which I hope it portrays).
Grammar was critical in ‘Disturbing Discoveries’ in my opinion as it creates tension in places that I wanted it to. I have used many short sentences to emphasize certain actions and emotions also. An example of this is (paragraph 4, line 9) ‘No. No. No!’ where the word is so exaggerated that you can tell the person is shocked (when in context) and how he feels about what he is seeing 9he is in denial).
The type of lexis that I have used was quite important in my story I think for many different reasons. I have generally not abbreviated any words to try and show that the man (the primary character) isn’t of a low class (hierarchy wise). I think by doing this it shows that where the story is based isn’t a particularly ‘rough’ area, giving the impression that it is not the type of place that murders would normally take place. This in turn emphasizes the fact that it wasn’t something that the man had seen before (hence the state of shock he is in) and how random the murders were. I have abbreviated words, at times when he is thinking to make his thoughts seem faster paced. If for example, the man thought ‘I don’t know how this happened,’ it would seem like it has just popped into his head. However, if it were to say ‘I do not know how this happened,’ it wouldn’t seem like they were his thoughts (to the reader), and this might make them think that it had been an utterance instead (which would not have been what I wanted).
I think my story has turned out quite well as it includes many necessary devices to create certain effects that I wanted to achieve. Despite this, I don’t think it would have turned out the way it has, had I not included the devices and imagery etc, that Rumaker’s ‘The Teddy Bear’ has influenced and taught me to use.
Natalie Dennis Back-up 
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